Emerging from the Void

I have changed my mind. In fact, everything has changed really.

For the first time in my life, I feel an abundance of life by sharing myself with another person. For the first time in my life, I've felt safe enough to tell the truth. I'm not afraid and I'm convinced that I'm ready to give it my all and risk the worst depression of my life if it doesn't work out. In fact, it is the only possibility - I simply cannot let myself not try.

I feel young again. The pressing crisis of the passing moment never lasting long enough. Each second invaluable. How have I made it this far in my life without experiencing this? This rugged, intrepid belief for the first time that I can truly be known and loved for it.

I have been crying multiple times each day since the Haitian earthquake. I feel so raw. I know that this feeling would be deadened if not the abundance of life swelling in me now. Life should be lived and tragedies are all the more tragic when you feel this way. I feel more connected with humanity than ever before. And should that I cry even more, let my heart swell with all of its emotions.

I've fallen back in love with D.H. Lawrence. These words ringing in my ears:

“I am in love - and, my God, it's the greatest thing that can happen to a man. I tell you, find a woman you can fall in love with. Do it. Let yourself fall in love, if you haven't done so already. You are wasting your life.”

I am trying not to overstate the truth, that there is a lot more ground to cover. No, what is happening is different. I've discovered an unending well within me, a thick magnanimous ocean telling me that I can love with all of my being. I've learned that I can truly fall in love and live in love. I have discovered this ability inside me, I've found that I've not been lost to the void but that this glowing tender ember has been sitting inside me for so long waiting to ignite. I just didn't see it, or was afraid to look.

Now I am just waiting for the opportunity to let these growing feelings develop in the proper way and to be fully expressed when the time comes. This is not just a dedication to myself, but to you.

I've noticed I've been using the word "faith" much more in my sentences. And the reason is that I've really found it... for the first time I've found a vibrant, sacred belief in myself - in my own humanity.

Whatever happens next, I've been given a gift that exceeds anything I've ever held in my hands before. I've never felt so ready for the rest of my life coming before me.