Musing about Flaws

I have been doing some thinking about how it appears these days that people are more and more willing to brag about their shortcomings. Our society is becoming less civil and community-oriented. At its heart, I think this has to do with a fundamental lacking of authentic assessment of ourselves leading to different sorts of over-compensation. Then, the questions are - how do people react when confronted with flaws within their selves? and... how should people react when confronted with flaws within their selves?

The difficulty in confronting flaws lies in the knowledge that we have done something wrong, bad, or evil - it indicates a lacking of something. The bigger the flaw, the more of a failure we feel we have become (regardless of how bad truly the flaw is objectively). So, we must make a choice:

1) Attempt to ignore the flaw(s); or
2) Attempt to make the flaw(s) seem positive; or
3) Attempt to change the flaw(s) by removing the negative elements or mitigating them.

People know themselves enough to know what their biggest flaws are typically. The process of attempting to ignore a flaw is classic Bad Faith reasoning. We wish to ignore the flaws because we don't want to admit any sort of failure or shortcoming. In reality, ignoring flaws does nothing for us. Our flaws will continue to stay as they are and become more pronounced. We're likely to create new problems as well, such as addictions to avoidant behaviors (alcohol and other drugs, obsessions with strangers/celebrities, etc.) The avoidant behaviors that become most attractive to those wishing not to face their selves are those which are the most intoxicating - those which we can drown in and see little else.

Those who wish to turn flaws into something positive are beyond those who are avoidant, but can easily be more self-destructive. Existential thought gives us a philosophical ground that shows us we can allow ourselves anything. Taken in the wrong direction, allowing ourselves anything means that you can do no wrong. However, it is impossible to live a meaningful life without deciding that which is good and striving for it. As such, changing things seen as negatives into positives can have one of two effects. 1) The unrealistic standard set for ourself previously has been demolished by an affirmation. 2) An affirmation of a destructive or otherwise negative attribute is reinforced and the foundation for a meaning system for which morals and ethics come from internally are eroded.

Thus, the system of affirmation is a dangerous ground. We can either grant ourselves new positive freedoms, or grant ourselves a free pass and lose a sense of moral and ethical grounding. Those who romanticize their flaws seek to transform their self into a image to more easily consume - it is another moment of Bad Faith. Once someone loses a moral and ethical center, that person either works to create a new one or turns sociopathic. The danger inherent in this approach then must be weighed by creating an authentic judgement of the perceived flaws at hand and what a reasonable person can do about those flaws.

For instance, for someone who sees their homosexuality as a flaw the process of embracing their sexuality is going to be much healthier than ignoring their sexuality or attempting to change their sexuality. However, for someone who habitually preys on women at night by raping them to embrace their behavior and mental state that leads them to that cycle is not suggested. Typically, most flaws lie somewhere between these extremes, so only honesty with the self in a evaluatory stage before judgement and action take place can guide us.

Finally, we can choose to face our flaws and attempt to change them. This is typically the most difficult choice, because we have to come to terms with our past and at times what we feel is immovable and unchangeable about our personalities. If some of these attributes aren't truly negative as we believe, than this process is not only wasted, but potentially very damaging in the long run to one's self-esteem.

If the flaw is accurately identified as something worth changing, then the effort to change the flaw must be done with a certain sensitivity to the self. I have to first accept my flaw and all of its effects. As many negatives things that have been done that I could feel make me a horrible person need to be accepted as ok to move on from. This is often the most difficult part of moving toward change. Typically, the more one feels their flaw is a significant hindrance to their life and others, the more shame they feel. Doing severe "wrong" in the past should only encourage us more to leave that past behind and start anew.

In all of my life changing moments, I had found that I reached a moment of clarity. It started with a declaration: "I do not like this." Then it followed with an evaluation: "Why don't I like this?" Then I made a choice: "Do I accept this thing about myself as ok, or should I attempt to remove this from my life?" Finally, then, is the move to action. During this period we should give ourselves a long-term goal and short-term goals to get there. Just as an obese person can't lose all of their excess weight in 3 days of exercise and starvation, we can't change ourselves in a blitzkrieg on our souls.

I think you will find that when reflecting on the strongest, most well-grounded people that you know, you will find these people are very patient with their selves and have a good sense of what their good qualities are and what needs work. They will continue to strive for the good, and look for ways to better theirselves (be it simply be their outlook or their actions, patterns, and habits as well). It takes a sort of balance... a range of acceptance and striving to change. We must pick our battles and work to continue to improve as each stage of our growth moves along. Otherwise we are failing our moral and ethical obligations to our lives. We must do our best to be the best we can be for ourselves since our lives are our own possessions and we only have one shot a living. This sense of responsibility is what Sartre and Camus attempt to balance with the overwhelming freedom discussed in their philosophies. And, truly, with each positive choice and movement towards our self-defined good we will find our lives feeling more fulfilled - we will have more meaning.

The importance of this cannot be overstated now in this alienating world we live in that offers so little in the way of authentic opportunities to create meaning from external sources. Let's work on ourselves without fear or too much criticism. It is one of the few battlegrounds left that has something to offer.