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Sexual Expression and Deviancy
People are ultimately aware of the power of sex before they have sexual feelings. I knew there was something about girls that made them different and desireable before kindergarten. My whole life has been molded by gender roles and my relationships between girls and guys being completely different.
Our society doesn't handle sexuality well. Starting in 4th grade, the almighty power of sex began to overwhelm me. Erections, wet dreams, discovering masturbation before knowing what masturbation was, secretly watching my friend's parent's porn collection, looking at porn magazines, trying to touch girls at the babysitter's house because it was exciting, wondering if my penis was the right size, wondering how to approach getting a girlfriend, how to even talk to girls, wondering what sex is like, what does love have to do with sex?, what is the purpose of relationships?, and finally - marriage?
To begin, sexuality isn't treated as being a part of life, it is treated as being a category of life. Sexuality, unfortunately, is something that cannot be taken out of someone's life and categorized because it is present constantly. How someone approaches their sexuality carries across all aspects of their life. I'm beginning to see that now clearer and clearer.
Where people in our society have the biggest trouble is finding their sexual identity, and then making choices in that identity that are positive and helpful in their lives. People get hung up on things.
Typical problems:
Guys -
Fear of being immasculated.
Fear of vulnerability.
Fear of sexual incompetency.
Reducing females to their sexual roles.
Fear of sexual feelings for other males.
Over-emphasizing sex.
Not appreciating the difficulties that women face with their sexuality and gender roles.
Girls -
Finding an identity outside of sexuality.
Understanding the relationship of power to sexuality.
Competitiveness with other girls.
Body image and confidence sexually.
Looking for validation through sex.
Double standards and feeling oppressed or somehow cheated by society.
Everyone -
Religion and sexuality.
Dealing with sexual trauma.
Understanding the relationship of love, lust, and sexuality.
Alcohol and other drugs with sexuality.
And the list goes on and on. I think that there are something we should look for as individuals to help keep our sexuality in a place that helps the rest of our lives.
1. Tons of reflection. Sexuality and gender roles are highly socialized. Additionally, institutions such as the media, religion, and school all give different intepretations on sexuality and gender that are often contradictory and/or don't match observations and feelings. The way to fight this is to do a lot of thinking about it. Ask lots of questions: Why do I feel this way? Why do I think about this a lot? Where do these feelings come from? How has my past affected how I think about things now? What do I want - and why? Basically, this is the classic know thyself suggestion, however, its a lot harder than it sounds.
When you find things in yourself that go against values that you're supposed to have, you are immediately put in a crisis. The standard response is to try to reject the feelings in yourself as being abnormalities, and nothing real. Instead, just try to adopt the values that you feel you're supposed to have. Of course, my suggestion would be to fight against that as strongly as you can. Engage these contradictions, and try to understand where they are coming from. Sometimes you will find that you end up re-adopting the values that you feel you should have; and sometimes you don't.
2. Allow yourself a chance to do things. In the process of growing up, we get odd urges to do things that we tend to try to ignore. Let yourself be free with yourself. I'm not advocating having sex with anyone, but I'm saying that it's ok to get comfortable with your body. Get accustomed to being a sexual being, and learn how to be ok with that. The more comfortable you are with your body, the freer you will be in many aspects of your life.
3. Always try to move on the continuum from being insecure and unsure about your sexual identity towards being confident and sure about your sexual identity. Sexual confidence leads towards confidence in many aspects of life. It helps with how you play out gender roles - not only between sexes, but within your own sex. So much of our time can be dominated by doing things to please others so that they won't prey on our insecurities. As you gain more security in your sexual identity, you can simply say "I won't play these games" confidently and be yourself. It sends a strong message.
Additionally, you can feel more free to let your sexuality show to other people without it being an act or a plea for attention. It can be natural, and that natural display of comfort in one's sexuality is powerful. People will notice you more for the right reasons, and you can definitely feel good in yourself.
To cover the topic of deviancy, I need to be clear that I mean deviancy in a negative way. There are many ways to do sexual things on your own that aren't harmful to others, and are good in your life. I might think they're totally strange, but as long as others aren't harmed and you aren't harming yourself, then be as deviant as you'd like.
For the true deviants that have real problems, I tend to think that there are only a few things that cause these problems. They are: 1) sexual trauma that is not dealt with, 2) not creating a sexual identity for one's self, and 3) allowing external values dictate one's own. In all cases, the behavior that is caused by these issues can be fixed with patience, thoughtfulness, and therapy if dealt with when young enough. As time passes by, deviancy becomes harder and harder to stop as it becomes habitual and compulsive.
In our society there seems to be a constant pull towards the spectacular, particularly with sex. We need to be mindful of our bodies, and try not to let our sexualities get out of control because of the alluring power of the spectacular. The farther we head towards the spectacular, the farther away from valuing the smaller things. And, just as when one gets addicted to a drug, experiences become deadening if they can't live up to the heightened power of the spectacular events. Instead of falling for the spectacular, try to make the small events scintillate by giving them meaning.
Our society doesn't handle sexuality well. Starting in 4th grade, the almighty power of sex began to overwhelm me. Erections, wet dreams, discovering masturbation before knowing what masturbation was, secretly watching my friend's parent's porn collection, looking at porn magazines, trying to touch girls at the babysitter's house because it was exciting, wondering if my penis was the right size, wondering how to approach getting a girlfriend, how to even talk to girls, wondering what sex is like, what does love have to do with sex?, what is the purpose of relationships?, and finally - marriage?
To begin, sexuality isn't treated as being a part of life, it is treated as being a category of life. Sexuality, unfortunately, is something that cannot be taken out of someone's life and categorized because it is present constantly. How someone approaches their sexuality carries across all aspects of their life. I'm beginning to see that now clearer and clearer.
Where people in our society have the biggest trouble is finding their sexual identity, and then making choices in that identity that are positive and helpful in their lives. People get hung up on things.
Typical problems:
Guys -
Girls -
Everyone -
And the list goes on and on. I think that there are something we should look for as individuals to help keep our sexuality in a place that helps the rest of our lives.
1. Tons of reflection. Sexuality and gender roles are highly socialized. Additionally, institutions such as the media, religion, and school all give different intepretations on sexuality and gender that are often contradictory and/or don't match observations and feelings. The way to fight this is to do a lot of thinking about it. Ask lots of questions: Why do I feel this way? Why do I think about this a lot? Where do these feelings come from? How has my past affected how I think about things now? What do I want - and why? Basically, this is the classic know thyself suggestion, however, its a lot harder than it sounds.
When you find things in yourself that go against values that you're supposed to have, you are immediately put in a crisis. The standard response is to try to reject the feelings in yourself as being abnormalities, and nothing real. Instead, just try to adopt the values that you feel you're supposed to have. Of course, my suggestion would be to fight against that as strongly as you can. Engage these contradictions, and try to understand where they are coming from. Sometimes you will find that you end up re-adopting the values that you feel you should have; and sometimes you don't.
2. Allow yourself a chance to do things. In the process of growing up, we get odd urges to do things that we tend to try to ignore. Let yourself be free with yourself. I'm not advocating having sex with anyone, but I'm saying that it's ok to get comfortable with your body. Get accustomed to being a sexual being, and learn how to be ok with that. The more comfortable you are with your body, the freer you will be in many aspects of your life.
3. Always try to move on the continuum from being insecure and unsure about your sexual identity towards being confident and sure about your sexual identity. Sexual confidence leads towards confidence in many aspects of life. It helps with how you play out gender roles - not only between sexes, but within your own sex. So much of our time can be dominated by doing things to please others so that they won't prey on our insecurities. As you gain more security in your sexual identity, you can simply say "I won't play these games" confidently and be yourself. It sends a strong message.
Additionally, you can feel more free to let your sexuality show to other people without it being an act or a plea for attention. It can be natural, and that natural display of comfort in one's sexuality is powerful. People will notice you more for the right reasons, and you can definitely feel good in yourself.
To cover the topic of deviancy, I need to be clear that I mean deviancy in a negative way. There are many ways to do sexual things on your own that aren't harmful to others, and are good in your life. I might think they're totally strange, but as long as others aren't harmed and you aren't harming yourself, then be as deviant as you'd like.
For the true deviants that have real problems, I tend to think that there are only a few things that cause these problems. They are: 1) sexual trauma that is not dealt with, 2) not creating a sexual identity for one's self, and 3) allowing external values dictate one's own. In all cases, the behavior that is caused by these issues can be fixed with patience, thoughtfulness, and therapy if dealt with when young enough. As time passes by, deviancy becomes harder and harder to stop as it becomes habitual and compulsive.
In our society there seems to be a constant pull towards the spectacular, particularly with sex. We need to be mindful of our bodies, and try not to let our sexualities get out of control because of the alluring power of the spectacular. The farther we head towards the spectacular, the farther away from valuing the smaller things. And, just as when one gets addicted to a drug, experiences become deadening if they can't live up to the heightened power of the spectacular events. Instead of falling for the spectacular, try to make the small events scintillate by giving them meaning.
posted by Will at 8:14 PM
1 Comments:
Speaking of sexuality, I’ve finally answered your latest comment on my blog.
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