The Night's Deep, Unquenched Thirst

morning sounds
rustle like churchbells
deep within my brain

the red lights
from silent nights
turn loud and flicker neon

it is too easy to tell
the color of skin
fresh from hot showers

a blushed face
wired awake but dreamy
igniting tiny gentle ripples

where was I then
swimming against the tide
asking for things forsaken?

and now life, too familiar
feels like skin untouched
dampened with foreign oils

the exotic esoteric
unnamed riddles and pieces
blithe desires stay unspoken

"what do I want?" you ask
every scent left untasted
every inch unseen unmapped

and every line I've heard before
that makes my hands grasp tighter
and the heart pump harder

every linear passage untraced
unchartered tempest waters
unmasked and unaltered

the waters are naked tonight
bathing in starlight reflections

the lights dance in small wakes
awake in midnight visions

as I dive in the warmth grabs me
stretches skin softly slowly

firmly grasps my neck slipping me down
to the source of the sea

finally, in the darkest depths
warmth radiates through my body

my mouth drinks in the whole sea
the lights and the flittering ripples

and slowly breathes it out
granting a deep sigh

a gasp twitching along the ocean's floor

then a new peace
absorbing the midnight spheres
remitting them
across the deep endless night

softer than before
but larger
rippling in concordance
with the breath
of the universe

a small breath of life
for too long untaken

Attacking scam artists - Cell Tech, Dr. John F. Taylor, and Dr. Laura Thompson

Today I attended a workshop on ADHD in Bend led by Dr. John F. Taylor. In the beginning of the workshop I noticed that John mentioned a product that can really help ADHD - algae. Not just any algae - Cell Tech blue-green algae. I thought, "What? Why would he say that? He must have some special interest in this product." And, he does. Using my laptop, I learned a lot.

Now, I could never find official documents online to prove he's an employee or investor in Cell Tech products... but I found enough information to make his life miserable for a few minutes. #1: The Cell Tech site is plastered with positive feedback from him. #2: A promotional CD put out by him and Dr. Laura Thompson led me to research Dr. Laura. #3: Dr. Laura is the head of "The Southern California Institute of Clinical Nutrition" which is a fancy name for a business that sells non-FDA approved suppliments to cure/help various ailments. #4: Dr. Laura never mentions this on her site, or elsewhere - but she is an official distributor of Cell Tech products, making the top 100 list in 2002.

It was easy to make the connections. John makes money off of Cell Tech, just like Dr. Laura does.

So, then the bad news. Cell Tech lost a lawsuit in 2003 in California over false advertising. Cell Tech is banned from selling their products in California and everyone who purchased Cell Tech products were allowed refunds for restitution. Yikes. Additionally, in Feburary 2006, Cell Tech has been sued over the wrongful death of someone's daughter who was being treated for ADHD with the algae... and died. It is horrible - this crap science is killing people, in addition to defrauding people of thousands of dollars.

And I learned all of these while John talked and talked and talked. 75 minutes at a time, with 10 minute breaks. He also mentioned that he was James Dobson's first ever guest for Focus for the Family which really set off all of my alarms. If you are unfamiliar with James Dobson, let's provide you with some quotes:


"Homosexuals are not monogamous. They want to destroy the institution of marriage. It will destroy marriage. It will destroy the Earth."

"[P]ain is a marvelous purifier. . . It is not necessary to beat the child into submission; a little bit of pain goes a long way for a young child. However, the spanking should be of sufficient magnitude to cause the child to cry genuinely."

"Some strong-willed children absolutely demand to be spanked, and their wishes should be granted. . . [T]wo or three stinging strokes on the legs or buttocks with a switch are usually sufficient to emphasize the point, 'You must obey me.'"

"[P]eople talk about the potential for good that can come from destroying these little embryos and how we might be able to solve the problem of juvenile diabetes. There's no indication yet that they're gonna do that, but people say that, or spinal cord injuries or such things. But I have to ask this question: In World War II, the Nazis experimented on human beings in horrible ways in the concentration camps, and I imagine, if you wanted to take the time to read about it, there would have been some discoveries there that benefited mankind."

and finally... and most disturbingly:

"[T]he boy's father has to do his part. He needs to mirror and affirm his son's maleness. He can play rough-and-tumble games with his son, in ways that are decidedly different from the games he would play with a little girl. He can help his son learn to throw and catch a ball. He can teach him to pound a square wooden peg into a square hole in a pegboard. He can even take his son with him into the shower, where the boy cannot help but notice that Dad has a penis, just like his, only bigger."(source: http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/James_Dobson)

What would a psychiatrist have to do with someone who obviously has no clue about how to raise a child? Who would brag about that?

Well, obviously, a crook. I called him on that during the workshop. He hated it, he said he didn't know about the lawsuit in California and continued to say that he knew for certain that Cell Tech works. I was really nervous to comment on it, but mostly I was angry. I hate feeling like people are trying to take advantage of me or other people. I had to speak up, despite knowing that this guy wouldn't be helpful. Other people had to know. I follwed up when I got home and wrote Dr. Laura Thompson an e-mail. Have a look:

Dear Laura Thompson,

Today I went to an ADHD workshop presented by John F. Taylor. In the workshop, he presented his case that everyone with ADHD should use Cell Tech's algae suppliment. This would be perfectly ethical, if John had disclosed at some point during the workshop that he made money off of the product. In fact, I confronted him during the workshop about the lawsuit in California that was settled in 2003 that Cell Tech lost which barred Cell Tech from selling its products in California and provided restitution to everyone who purchased Cell Tech products. Additionally, I mentioned that you, Ms. Thompson, are a distributor of Cell Tech products who even made the top 100 list in 2002. I also mentioned the current lawsuit filed in Feb. 2006 that Cell Tech's algae suppliment caused the death of someone's child.

I am writing to tell you that I am incredibly disappointed in John for using my time to promote a product without disclosing his monetary connection to that product, which is required by law. I suggest that in the future you make full disclosures about your business practices, because you will end up being sued again if you continue this unethical way of conducting business. Using a position of authority (being a doctor) to promote a product can be very persuasive, which is why I am certain that non-disclosure of John's connection (or yours) to the product you promote is criminal.

Please, for the sake of what is moral and ethical, stop these illegal practices and start living ethically within the laws of our United States of America. I ask for you consider my words. Feel free to write back.

-Will

The lesson is this - 1) do not buy Cell Tech products, 2) do not trust people who call themselves "experts" without looking at what makes them experts, 3) do research, 4) call them on their shit when you can.


Other sources:
http://www.drlaurathompson.com/ Dr. Laura's page/The Southern California Institute of Clinical Nutrition homepage
http://www.mlmwatch.org/04C/CT/ruling.html False Advertising suit with results.
http://www.casewatch.org/civil/celltech/complaint.shtml Lawsuit over wrongful death.
http://www.celltech.com/resources/events/top100_02.html See #26: Laura Nell Thompson, 88 points as a top distributor of Cell Tech products

You can find much more using efficient searches.

light of summer nights

shimmering in moonlight
wintery-colored backdrop
summer winds blow whispers
off warm waters

tell me you hear me
breathing under the stars
as photons travel lightspeed
to speckle our vision

freckles of ancient light
against your skin
symbols of radiance ignite
to individuate wishes

I heard you
long ago
when the wind was weeping
and stars were born

I hear you now
the warmth of dreaming
awake under your stars
drawing breath and feeling

light, you lovely illusion
gives my skin an impression
singing louder than the breeze
alive and unrelenting

now starlight is borne
into our dominion
to contrast daylight
with supple subtlety

and in the morning sun
life gains new meaning
against the particles' serenade
we wander as wind

calming little spots
our lives
irradiated
illuminated

meta-narrative: aging youth

grease in the wheels
adds
traction greased
wheels taste like
what I imagine grain
tasted like in the bronze age

that grimy collection

spinning in geared revolutions

a turn of the crank
spins the world

and grease drips off my arms
thick ambered smells staining skin
turns white skin into leather

where was I when the faucet broke
leaving a steady stream of drips?
"one must learn not to waste"
(I heard that somewhere,
I think)

it smells so dark
like a migrant olive tree
singing strange Hebrew songs
a little off key
stretching rhythms

remember when we planted it
not so long ago?
(we were just kids)

she's outgrown us -- (oh!) you know who!
the size of the world is an inverse property
to the number of hands spinning away
in some fantastic dance casting
spells in dervish frenzy!

(mind you,
we are not dreaming...

that would be redundant) whoever
thought I could feel so old

Power and Darkness

I find that I often find myself in situations where I am most attracted to that which should be most revolting. For instance, for as long as I can remember, the most depressing political stories have always been at the front of my mind. I was in 6th grade and I clearly remember being interested in the Rwandan genocide. I remember being interested in the Tienanmen Square massacre when I was 8. I always followed political corruption and constantly found myself agitated by something going on in Washington throughout almost all of high school.

On top of real world events, I loved dark stories and mythology. Promethius, Sisyphus, and Daedalus became sorts of heroes for me. I read all sorts of science fiction and fantasy books and, though I loved it when the good guys won, I wouldn't care as much if there wasn't a sort of dubious half-bad/half-good character in the mix that complicated things.

The most influential time of my life was my dark depression starting in 7th grade when I began to logically completely break down the reasons that I existed. Nothing made sense - no religion, no action - ultimately, everything ceases to be and thus it was absurd... additionally, if anything didn't cease to be, it was also absurd -what's the point of living forever? What's the point of living in bliss or pain? (heaven or hell) I suddenly was faced with a fundamental loss of meaning in everything.

I'm grateful that I experienced this depression at a young age because I think it has set me up to be a very independent, self-motivated person. The only answer to facing a fundamental loss of meaning that is authentic is to face it head on, accept it, and then try to find a moral and ethical center for yourself to compensate for the arbitrary nature of everything. The only way I came to that conclusion was by facing the fundamental question of suicide - if life is absurd, then is it worth living? The answer is - yes, because suicide isn't escape from absurdity and living in defiance of absurdity can be the fundamental cornerstone to creating meaning in life.

Accepting absurdity is like accepting darkness, accepting shadows, accepting greyness... accepting nothingness and, the ultimate goal... embracing all of these things. It puts death in a different light... it puts suffering in a different light. And it puts power in a different light.

I have difficulty with simplicity... I am turned off by storybook endings, I'm turned off by cookie-cutter plot lines... and this is true in everything, including my own life. I have a real dark side... I'm attracted to the worst destruction, to the most complex paradoxes and political problems that have no good solutions. I'm attracted to people who struggle through these issues... people who don't accept things and don't know how to fill the gaps. I feel that I exist in those gaps. The holes between convention and invention where we lose ourselves. Sometimes I can help fill those gaps and that is fairly fulfilling, but other times... I exist fully in those gaps.

And those gaps are what I need to feel inspired. I need those to write poetry, to write music. I love that tension and I feel bored without feeling at least a little lost. Maybe it is because I'm smart and life starts to feel too easy. I'm not sure... but that darkness, those areas of despair and confusion and emptiness. It gives me something to wrap my brain and my heart around. I need those labrinths to get lost in.

I think my difficulty lately is that I've been to occupied all of the time that I can't get lost in the labrinths in my life and the lives of others. I start to feel a little dead... I need more time to myself. Time to let absurdity consume me. And time to feel alone... sometimes I miss all of those years when I lived alone. I wrote all of the time then, I had that time and it weighed heavily on me.

And I don't know what it says about me when I realize that I'm openly looking for that weight. I look for it in others because I haven't found it in myself for a long time... but I desperately want to find it in myself.

Well adjusted and successful... when will I be allowed to feel that I can make a total mess of things, even if just for a moment?

I need the darkness to feel empowered.

Political Disaffection and Atrophy

I haven't been able to write at all lately. Not poetry, not politically, not philosophically... not much of anything. I have a hard time reading books for pleasure and I spend a lot of time scanning the internet for articles wanting desperately to know what the hell is going on in my country... this world, and why the hell nothing is being done about it.

I'm mad at Republicans for selling out our future, our present, our morality, and any sense of justice that America used to stand for during a brief period of time. The president is intentionally ignoring laws, signing exceptions to important Congressional legislation like making torture illegal, and it is frightening. Democrats aren't doing much better now... they always fall back on a position of weakness and compromise with people who aren't interested in making a better world or any compromise. I'm mad at the media for pretending like there's two equally genuine sides to every issue, even when one side is wrong or obviously lying. I'm mad at people who give up and act as though they're hopeless to do anything ever about anything because it is all caused by people "over in Washington".

Well, its all wrong, all the way around - and I've been unable to get past this simmering anger and sense of disgust at everything to feel up to writing at all.

I've been busy though... forgetting about blogs and poetry and reading for pleasure... I've been busy learning, reading dozens of articles each day about our world, our country, and making connections to the past. I've been busy teaching - watching young people who by all means shouldn't care about anything get excited and passionate about things that grown adults haven't. And I'm seeing people finally start to care about a genocide that has gone on for several years and I'm gaining some hope that Darfur won't be left to be completely destroyed by the Janjaweed and left to the vultures.

There's a postulation that I'm beginning to realize is completely false that is espoused by the major media outlets of our country. They postulate that people can't comprehend complex issues, don't want to try, and prefer to be given spectacular stories. But it isn't true... news channels are losing ratings because their products suck, and people know that the media talks down to them. Kids in my classes want some real news, they crave it - they want to know, they don't want to be spared with watered-down summaries and convienent omissions. They care, and they want to make the world better. They want to know how to make the world better.

And I'd make a bet that the majority of everyone in America wants to help make a better world. The problem is that we're not sure how, we're tired of seeing our efforts unfulfilled, and we're busy just trying to get by in our own lives. But I see it all of the time - little things here and there. People love that feeling of service, making a contribution that helps others.

This is a thread of humanity that surpass apathy, fear, anger, and hatred. But it takes a lot of work. This simple thing I must remind myself of is that keeping passionate matters, it matters because it spreads like wildfire. It spreads through the hearts of young men and women I teach each day in class, in my co-workers, friends, and family. I teach for justice. I live for justice. Justice is something people understand, something people desire on a fundamental level, and justice is something we can always aim for.

It is time to start writing more - if not here in this blog then elsewhere. But it is time to let myself be heard, if to no one but myself. This is the beginning. It is time to do justice for myself. From here, who knows... I just know that justice, and that burning feeling of longing must guide me as it used to.