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Power and Darkness
I find that I often find myself in situations where I am most attracted to that which should be most revolting. For instance, for as long as I can remember, the most depressing political stories have always been at the front of my mind. I was in 6th grade and I clearly remember being interested in the Rwandan genocide. I remember being interested in the Tienanmen Square massacre when I was 8. I always followed political corruption and constantly found myself agitated by something going on in Washington throughout almost all of high school.
On top of real world events, I loved dark stories and mythology. Promethius, Sisyphus, and Daedalus became sorts of heroes for me. I read all sorts of science fiction and fantasy books and, though I loved it when the good guys won, I wouldn't care as much if there wasn't a sort of dubious half-bad/half-good character in the mix that complicated things.
The most influential time of my life was my dark depression starting in 7th grade when I began to logically completely break down the reasons that I existed. Nothing made sense - no religion, no action - ultimately, everything ceases to be and thus it was absurd... additionally, if anything didn't cease to be, it was also absurd -what's the point of living forever? What's the point of living in bliss or pain? (heaven or hell) I suddenly was faced with a fundamental loss of meaning in everything.
I'm grateful that I experienced this depression at a young age because I think it has set me up to be a very independent, self-motivated person. The only answer to facing a fundamental loss of meaning that is authentic is to face it head on, accept it, and then try to find a moral and ethical center for yourself to compensate for the arbitrary nature of everything. The only way I came to that conclusion was by facing the fundamental question of suicide - if life is absurd, then is it worth living? The answer is - yes, because suicide isn't escape from absurdity and living in defiance of absurdity can be the fundamental cornerstone to creating meaning in life.
Accepting absurdity is like accepting darkness, accepting shadows, accepting greyness... accepting nothingness and, the ultimate goal... embracing all of these things. It puts death in a different light... it puts suffering in a different light. And it puts power in a different light.
I have difficulty with simplicity... I am turned off by storybook endings, I'm turned off by cookie-cutter plot lines... and this is true in everything, including my own life. I have a real dark side... I'm attracted to the worst destruction, to the most complex paradoxes and political problems that have no good solutions. I'm attracted to people who struggle through these issues... people who don't accept things and don't know how to fill the gaps. I feel that I exist in those gaps. The holes between convention and invention where we lose ourselves. Sometimes I can help fill those gaps and that is fairly fulfilling, but other times... I exist fully in those gaps.
And those gaps are what I need to feel inspired. I need those to write poetry, to write music. I love that tension and I feel bored without feeling at least a little lost. Maybe it is because I'm smart and life starts to feel too easy. I'm not sure... but that darkness, those areas of despair and confusion and emptiness. It gives me something to wrap my brain and my heart around. I need those labrinths to get lost in.
I think my difficulty lately is that I've been to occupied all of the time that I can't get lost in the labrinths in my life and the lives of others. I start to feel a little dead... I need more time to myself. Time to let absurdity consume me. And time to feel alone... sometimes I miss all of those years when I lived alone. I wrote all of the time then, I had that time and it weighed heavily on me.
And I don't know what it says about me when I realize that I'm openly looking for that weight. I look for it in others because I haven't found it in myself for a long time... but I desperately want to find it in myself.
Well adjusted and successful... when will I be allowed to feel that I can make a total mess of things, even if just for a moment?
I need the darkness to feel empowered.
On top of real world events, I loved dark stories and mythology. Promethius, Sisyphus, and Daedalus became sorts of heroes for me. I read all sorts of science fiction and fantasy books and, though I loved it when the good guys won, I wouldn't care as much if there wasn't a sort of dubious half-bad/half-good character in the mix that complicated things.
The most influential time of my life was my dark depression starting in 7th grade when I began to logically completely break down the reasons that I existed. Nothing made sense - no religion, no action - ultimately, everything ceases to be and thus it was absurd... additionally, if anything didn't cease to be, it was also absurd -what's the point of living forever? What's the point of living in bliss or pain? (heaven or hell) I suddenly was faced with a fundamental loss of meaning in everything.
I'm grateful that I experienced this depression at a young age because I think it has set me up to be a very independent, self-motivated person. The only answer to facing a fundamental loss of meaning that is authentic is to face it head on, accept it, and then try to find a moral and ethical center for yourself to compensate for the arbitrary nature of everything. The only way I came to that conclusion was by facing the fundamental question of suicide - if life is absurd, then is it worth living? The answer is - yes, because suicide isn't escape from absurdity and living in defiance of absurdity can be the fundamental cornerstone to creating meaning in life.
Accepting absurdity is like accepting darkness, accepting shadows, accepting greyness... accepting nothingness and, the ultimate goal... embracing all of these things. It puts death in a different light... it puts suffering in a different light. And it puts power in a different light.
I have difficulty with simplicity... I am turned off by storybook endings, I'm turned off by cookie-cutter plot lines... and this is true in everything, including my own life. I have a real dark side... I'm attracted to the worst destruction, to the most complex paradoxes and political problems that have no good solutions. I'm attracted to people who struggle through these issues... people who don't accept things and don't know how to fill the gaps. I feel that I exist in those gaps. The holes between convention and invention where we lose ourselves. Sometimes I can help fill those gaps and that is fairly fulfilling, but other times... I exist fully in those gaps.
And those gaps are what I need to feel inspired. I need those to write poetry, to write music. I love that tension and I feel bored without feeling at least a little lost. Maybe it is because I'm smart and life starts to feel too easy. I'm not sure... but that darkness, those areas of despair and confusion and emptiness. It gives me something to wrap my brain and my heart around. I need those labrinths to get lost in.
I think my difficulty lately is that I've been to occupied all of the time that I can't get lost in the labrinths in my life and the lives of others. I start to feel a little dead... I need more time to myself. Time to let absurdity consume me. And time to feel alone... sometimes I miss all of those years when I lived alone. I wrote all of the time then, I had that time and it weighed heavily on me.
And I don't know what it says about me when I realize that I'm openly looking for that weight. I look for it in others because I haven't found it in myself for a long time... but I desperately want to find it in myself.
Well adjusted and successful... when will I be allowed to feel that I can make a total mess of things, even if just for a moment?
I need the darkness to feel empowered.
posted by Will at 11:30 AM
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