B.F.F.

1.

by fourth grade I knew the game
like a game of tag on recess
women have something to grasp

none of it made any sense
but it was really important

I had a best friend
who was taller than me

he also had a better jump shot
it made sense that I followed him

we plotted how to get together
with the new girl

somehow it ended up
I agreed we'd take turns
and he went first

a few weeks later
they were together
and I was his "bodyguard"

when I look back now
I understand my job
was to deflect responsibility

2.

he used to spend the night a lot
and we'd play video games

we'd roll out the hide-a-bed
and stay up really late

an uncomfortable competition
brewed under the surface

when no-one was around
we'd test our limits

and I'd learn that
male intimacy has a price

3.

erections are fascinating

I remember my first one
hit me by surprise
watching a movie
with my parents

I ran into the bathroom
and indignantly claimed
that the movie was stupid

weeks later my best friend
told me about his

curiosity drove us
and we found ourselves alone
creating contests

my erections lasted the longest
but he could usually get his first

one day we found his parents porn
and we watched it together

the woman's voice gave me goosebumps
and I was mesmerized by her breasts

we knew that we weren't supposed to watch
so there was something wrong with it all

I'll never forget when he said,
"I feel kinda sorry for her"
as he turned it off

he was right
but for the wrong reasons

4.

in fifth grade it all changed
during his last sleepover
he taught me how to masturbate

like awkward hairless aliens
we laid naked on the hide-a-bed
stroking ourselves

he said,
"if you keep rubbing it fast
stuff will come out"

when I finally came
I was shocked

I cleaned up in the bathroom
and forgot about my naked friend

he no longer mattered

soon enough he came
and cleaned up

we got dressed again
and ended such foolish games

I let him have her
without a fight

after school we played basketball
like we always did

we never spoke about sex again
summer came quickly
and the next year we made new friends

5.

I remember he said once
that my penis always "went too far"
and tried to convince me
that his was better
because it was curved right

I don't think he believed himself
but it didn't matter

we had gone too far
into that gaping abyss