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The knocking sound of the neighbor's automobile experiments enter my house, muffled by the insulated windows. I wake up uncertain about what time it is. My thick curtains block out all of the light. The timelessness of the LED lights of my toothbrush, stereo, and humidifier keep the room in a constant dull glow. The clock, hiding to my left behind my pillow tells me it is 7:15.
Somewhere in the fleece blankets piled in wads across my bed, my dog is curled up. I can feel the extra warmth against my leg. I've left my laptop next to my bed. I almost fell asleep with it in still on my lap last night as I was killing time. Nights are longer now, and welcome me with deep, vacuous thoughts.
My ex-girlfriend just moved out, and I am getting used to the space. Before, I felt that I lived in no-man's land. The space between two sides, uninhabitable. The sea of her stuff and my stuff has been sifted through, and I've begun the process of claiming my territory. My bedroom is clean, the living room is clean. Laundry is getting done. Each passing day, the line advances.
What can a man say for himself? A failed relationship says a lot about one's self. He makes poor choices in women. He can't handle commitment. He isn't good at compromise. He is controlling. He isn't loving enough. He doesn't set good boundaries. He is repressed. He hasn't dealt with his past. He's got so many problems.
We all do.
Mistakes are a way of life. If I live to be an old man, the last words I say before I die will likely be an accident. So much of life is just discovering what one wants. I've learned a lot recently just to understand what it is that I don't want, and why I don't want it. What I want has slowly been uncovered in an exercise in reduction, like a math equation. The basics have always been there, but the gritty details slowly coalesce.
I can't say too much for myself. I'm not happy with a lot of things that I've done, and even less happy with why I've done some of the things that I've done. But, through and through, it remains true that I've stuck to my principles. I'm trying not to dwell and relive everything over and over again in my head. Instead, I am just trying to learn my lessons and figure out what is next for me.
It may be strange to know that I am not concerned with the problems that my ex-girlfriend has that led me to this place. I don't want to punish her, fix her, blame her, or hate her. I have my own life to contend with now.
I welcome it.
Somewhere in the fleece blankets piled in wads across my bed, my dog is curled up. I can feel the extra warmth against my leg. I've left my laptop next to my bed. I almost fell asleep with it in still on my lap last night as I was killing time. Nights are longer now, and welcome me with deep, vacuous thoughts.
My ex-girlfriend just moved out, and I am getting used to the space. Before, I felt that I lived in no-man's land. The space between two sides, uninhabitable. The sea of her stuff and my stuff has been sifted through, and I've begun the process of claiming my territory. My bedroom is clean, the living room is clean. Laundry is getting done. Each passing day, the line advances.
What can a man say for himself? A failed relationship says a lot about one's self. He makes poor choices in women. He can't handle commitment. He isn't good at compromise. He is controlling. He isn't loving enough. He doesn't set good boundaries. He is repressed. He hasn't dealt with his past. He's got so many problems.
We all do.
Mistakes are a way of life. If I live to be an old man, the last words I say before I die will likely be an accident. So much of life is just discovering what one wants. I've learned a lot recently just to understand what it is that I don't want, and why I don't want it. What I want has slowly been uncovered in an exercise in reduction, like a math equation. The basics have always been there, but the gritty details slowly coalesce.
I can't say too much for myself. I'm not happy with a lot of things that I've done, and even less happy with why I've done some of the things that I've done. But, through and through, it remains true that I've stuck to my principles. I'm trying not to dwell and relive everything over and over again in my head. Instead, I am just trying to learn my lessons and figure out what is next for me.
It may be strange to know that I am not concerned with the problems that my ex-girlfriend has that led me to this place. I don't want to punish her, fix her, blame her, or hate her. I have my own life to contend with now.
I welcome it.
posted by Will at 1:13 PM
1 Comments:
Will,
Of course you don't want to (and won't) point a finger or place blame on her. And you won't hate her either. Maybe she'll hate you a while, although "hate" is strong. You'll both come out the other end of this better.
I believe that.
By the way:
What can a woman say for herself? A failed relationship says a lot about one's self. She makes poor choices in men (and women). She can't handle commitment. She (sucks at) isn't good at compromise. She is controlling. She isn't loving enough (unless we count her son). She doesn't set good boundaries. (She forever feels oppressed)He is repressed. She hasn't dealt with her past.
Heh. No wonder we're friends.
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