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Short Meditation on "Unrequited Love" pt. 3
Courtly love was considered one of the highest forms of love several hundred years ago. Men (almost uniformly) were to fall in love with women from afar, and then nobly internalize these feelings, agonize, and write poetry. This works because having a desire that you know cannot be obtained held out before you creates an emotional frenzy which is ideal for creativity. Stress, pain, and anxiety are great motivators for artists.
I learned about courtly love in high school somewhere between reading Sir Gawan and the Green Night and the Knight's Tale in The Canterbury Tales. I realized I was prone to courtly love. What I mean is, I wrote nearly 100 pages of poetry about a girl that I somewhat knew, that went to a school in another county. I felt alive then. I felt hopeless and out-of-control and stayed up until 4:00 AM frequently. If at any point I had "got the girl" this orgiastic mess of creativity would probably collapse and my productivity and development would have gone out the window.
I realized what I was doing. I knew it was probably unhealthy. Teenagers are supposed to go out and have girlfriends. They're supposed to "do things." I did things, but rarely with girls I was actually attracted to, and even then it was always tame. The raging feelings in my chest were intoxicating. When things didn't go my way, the better. My nightmares about looking for the women I desired and not finding them, or finding them casting away my attention ignited me. Once I dreamt I finally found her, and she turned toward me with a sign that simply said "NO." I woke up in a cold sweat. Exhilarating.
At some point it had to end. I told her how I felt. She rejected me awkwardly. Nothing made any sense. She seemed to give me a lot more attention. Lots of hugs. Something was broken in her. She gave hints. This was also intoxicating. It was a mystery. She was sharing. It was one-way. Nothing came from me and went to her. At least not reflected back. This is the nature of unrequited love.
We're looking for connection, always. "Unrequited love" can provide a conduit toward a connection for yourself, but it becomes tedious and eventually you see what kind of fraud you are. It was at this point, after cutting off communication with this girl that I realized that I needed to change a lot of things. Since then I have not experienced "unrequited love." Nor have I quite felt that intoxication.
I am looking for a balance. I want to feel a little out of control with my emotions. I want to be inspired to stay up way too late. I want to send stupid e-mails that are endearing. But I also want to have conversations where I feel that I am understood. I want the world to melt away and lava to shoot up through the cracks in the asphalt causing great heat and blurred vision. I want to blink my eyes and feel fear and yet certainty about the intensity of the connection I am creating and I want that to help fuel me creatively. I want my other emotions of alienation, loneliness, and angst toward absurdity and the corruption of meaning to be embraced, harnessed, and expanded upon. I want strange novel moments of ennui followed by delicious burritos.
Is that too much to ask for?
I learned about courtly love in high school somewhere between reading Sir Gawan and the Green Night and the Knight's Tale in The Canterbury Tales. I realized I was prone to courtly love. What I mean is, I wrote nearly 100 pages of poetry about a girl that I somewhat knew, that went to a school in another county. I felt alive then. I felt hopeless and out-of-control and stayed up until 4:00 AM frequently. If at any point I had "got the girl" this orgiastic mess of creativity would probably collapse and my productivity and development would have gone out the window.
I realized what I was doing. I knew it was probably unhealthy. Teenagers are supposed to go out and have girlfriends. They're supposed to "do things." I did things, but rarely with girls I was actually attracted to, and even then it was always tame. The raging feelings in my chest were intoxicating. When things didn't go my way, the better. My nightmares about looking for the women I desired and not finding them, or finding them casting away my attention ignited me. Once I dreamt I finally found her, and she turned toward me with a sign that simply said "NO." I woke up in a cold sweat. Exhilarating.
At some point it had to end. I told her how I felt. She rejected me awkwardly. Nothing made any sense. She seemed to give me a lot more attention. Lots of hugs. Something was broken in her. She gave hints. This was also intoxicating. It was a mystery. She was sharing. It was one-way. Nothing came from me and went to her. At least not reflected back. This is the nature of unrequited love.
We're looking for connection, always. "Unrequited love" can provide a conduit toward a connection for yourself, but it becomes tedious and eventually you see what kind of fraud you are. It was at this point, after cutting off communication with this girl that I realized that I needed to change a lot of things. Since then I have not experienced "unrequited love." Nor have I quite felt that intoxication.
I am looking for a balance. I want to feel a little out of control with my emotions. I want to be inspired to stay up way too late. I want to send stupid e-mails that are endearing. But I also want to have conversations where I feel that I am understood. I want the world to melt away and lava to shoot up through the cracks in the asphalt causing great heat and blurred vision. I want to blink my eyes and feel fear and yet certainty about the intensity of the connection I am creating and I want that to help fuel me creatively. I want my other emotions of alienation, loneliness, and angst toward absurdity and the corruption of meaning to be embraced, harnessed, and expanded upon. I want strange novel moments of ennui followed by delicious burritos.
Is that too much to ask for?
posted by Will at 9:51 PM
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