I imagine myself old. No longer attractive by modern terms, with my thinning greyish-white hair, and an increasingly weathered face. Once athletic and fast and powerful, I am slower, less coordinated, and have less energy. And I don't know whether to imagine myself alone or not.

Is it better that way?

I'm reaching... away from our house I've been living in. Away from this town I grew up in. Away from the security of routine.

Why is it after failed relationships so many people want to know if they were really loved?

Anyone can be manipulated into trying not to hurt someone's feelings. Anyone can lie to themself to feel better about their own choices.

The path toward living in good faith is a path of darkness. The putrid night and the sweltering heaves of morning.

It isn't so much that people want to be good. No. People just don't want to be bad. To be known as bad.

It takes a rare leap to go beyond this fear of being known to actively shaping your life in pursuit of the good.

Let's be honest for just a second: I want to impress everyone. Everyone. I want them to see something in me that makes them notice.

I think this desire is natural, but there are also natural limits. Let it be on its merits. Let it be real.

Maybe I'm different than others because I really wish to be impressed by everyone I meet. Impress me. Seriously, impress me with something real. Don't try to impress me... just do it.

A human being reaching his or her potential is a beautiful inspiring thing. Not the Hollywood story, I don't need the part about falling down and getting back up. I don't need the dog fighting, the drugs, the negligent homocide, the adultery, the wide-stances, or any of that. Redemption is misunderstood in our society. People like redemption too much. Too often we root for the abusers, the narcissists, and the ambivolent. We like the drama, we like the debate.

I struggle emoting my feelings, but I can write them in stark contrast. Despite this, without a doubt I know that I can love with all my being. And I'm certain I can be loved as readily. It doesn't even frighten me.

Love is easy. Impressing me is easy. Forgiving faults is easy. But living...

So when I'm old, and my talents and abilities are fading... what will be left of me and left for me? Do other people my age ask this question?

I'm quite hung-up on the idea of fatherhood, because I would love to have my own kid yet none of the conditions of my life are suited for it (let alone being single). You can't draw up a plan for fatherhood, like getting a new job, or moving to a new city. It doesn't work like that unless you're a heartless machine that would settle for anyone to mother your child. Who would settle for anyone to stick it through with you for the next several decades of your life (at least)...

How can I think of children now? More than anything I just want a woman's arms, and her soft voice to talk to in the dark hours of the night.