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Reflections on Losing a Dear Friend One Year Ago
Exactly one year ago someone special to me lost her life. I put words last year to the process of death, and the details of the service which affected me in ways I was unprepared for. I did not put words to why this woman was special to me, because that was harder than narrating what was happening in the moment.
In my small boarding school, I typically had 5-10 students in my classes. This student finished her time with me differently than most. First, she's the only student to get into her e-mail in my class to make secret plans to have someone pick her up in the middle of the night. She was rebellious, and I can respect rebelliousness if it comes from a place of individualism (even if it isn't thought out well). She was caught, and I made fun of her dearly for that.
She ended up needing just a couple specifics credits in her last term, so she found ways to expend all of her extra time in my class, I believe maybe three of four out of the five blocks in the day she was in my room. I was her favorite teacher. She'd get fired up about politics, and use her time researching where she'd live, photography, creating a budget, and generally was quite responsible. She was easy to talk to, and listened to me with a careful ear and asked insightful questions about my feelings and life. By the time she left I realized that I liked her a lot more than I thought I would when I first talked to her. We were to keep in touch and I'd share my music and movie suggestions with her, because she liked my taste and we had some things in common.
She graduated, and exchanged a couple messages online, and then I hadn't heard from her in about a year. Then, in the most random night, I showed up to a Flogging Molly concert with my (now ex) girlfriend and her friend who drove to the show from quite a distance to see this band she loved, and was basically was the reason my girlfriend and I were at this show. Personally, I never had listened to much Flogging Molly. It was fun music, but not something to listen to on CDs... something to listen to live and jump around to.
I showed up to this concert after a concert of my own. I performed in a concert band several hours prior to this, so I was stuck in my white performance shirt (untucked, no bow-tie), black slacks and socks, and felt rather uncomfortable and unlike myself. I put a sweatshirt on over this ensemble, but it quickly became too hot for that and my performance shirt, so by the end I was a sweaty mess holding a few shirts in a dashing v-neck white undershirt. As I'm in that haze of the moment, after a song I look over and hear "Hi Will" and see her. I am speechless. She says her name. I say "I know" and then she explains that she moved to this town. We talked after the show and I met her boyfriend. Older than her, quiet but confident looking guy, but in typical clothing for this kind of affair. We got each others' contact numbers and left.
It was what happened after that moment that really set this woman apart from all other students I've had. She made a point to actually use that number and talk to me and invite me to any event she thought I'd be interested in. We met and had coffee several times and talked about life in a very serious and deep way, but also joked around. She came back to the school for a couple days, and spent almost the entire time with me and sat in on nearly all of my class. She had grown up, and she demonstrated with her actions a new dedication to her life and a seriousness about making the most of it. She was working, she had a nice apartment, she was organized, she had plans for herself.
On those several days at the campus, my student turned from being my student to one of my closest friends. It was easy and ancient like when you see an old friend after a long time and feel like you haven't skipped a beat. And she challenged me, she wouldn't take my bullshit answers to questions about things that were difficult, she pressed me which is something that so many people find difficult to do. She challenged me, but she was graceful and non-judgemental and the care in her demeanor proved it was from a place of caring.
Not so long after this, the difficulties I had with my girlfriend finally led to us breaking up after living together for three years and spending the significant portion of the two years prior seeing a lot of each other on weekends and extended breaks in school or work. It was traumatizing, but again this former student was the first to offer her support. She invited me over to dinner. We hung out for a whole evening with another wonderful former student and watched a movie and hung out with her boyfriend and his group of friends. At the end of the night, we had a deep serious talk at her little dining room table while everyone else watched the end of a favorite horror movie. It was one of those talks that stay with you, that are unforgettable like an anchor in your life. I was lifted out of the depression of ending a relationship and getting stuck with a house that I didn't want and could barely afford to keep on my own, while my ex-girlfriend skipped away with no responsibility and over half of my savings as a parting gift. I realized that night that I was loved and had a community stronger than my pain. I realized I had a friend that was eternal, that I could see hanging out with like any old friend - at any point in my life when the time allowed for it. Who cares about the house - this is the stuff that matters.
We talked a few more times on the phone, and made plans to hang out again on a phone call that took place in the first week of December to meet the next week or two. She didn't make it to the next week or two. She died in a horrible wreck with her boyfriend on the way back home late at night.
There hasn't been a week since then that I haven't thought of her. I've kept her card from her service close at hand and see it every morning when I start my day. Without really having dealt with a death like this before, it was really difficult for me. As the last year moved on, I realized that I hadn't really lost her... that what she'd given me would last forever. I miss her quite a bit, and writing this now brings tears to my eyes, but she showed me a true deep friendship and the value that my teaching could have. I am changed forever.
Thank you for everything. I continue to love you and promise that the lessons from our friendship will make my life better as a tribute to you and what you've done for me. I hope to model the compassion and love that you've modelled for me. I give my endless gratitude for having been blessed to know you.
In my small boarding school, I typically had 5-10 students in my classes. This student finished her time with me differently than most. First, she's the only student to get into her e-mail in my class to make secret plans to have someone pick her up in the middle of the night. She was rebellious, and I can respect rebelliousness if it comes from a place of individualism (even if it isn't thought out well). She was caught, and I made fun of her dearly for that.
She ended up needing just a couple specifics credits in her last term, so she found ways to expend all of her extra time in my class, I believe maybe three of four out of the five blocks in the day she was in my room. I was her favorite teacher. She'd get fired up about politics, and use her time researching where she'd live, photography, creating a budget, and generally was quite responsible. She was easy to talk to, and listened to me with a careful ear and asked insightful questions about my feelings and life. By the time she left I realized that I liked her a lot more than I thought I would when I first talked to her. We were to keep in touch and I'd share my music and movie suggestions with her, because she liked my taste and we had some things in common.
She graduated, and exchanged a couple messages online, and then I hadn't heard from her in about a year. Then, in the most random night, I showed up to a Flogging Molly concert with my (now ex) girlfriend and her friend who drove to the show from quite a distance to see this band she loved, and was basically was the reason my girlfriend and I were at this show. Personally, I never had listened to much Flogging Molly. It was fun music, but not something to listen to on CDs... something to listen to live and jump around to.
I showed up to this concert after a concert of my own. I performed in a concert band several hours prior to this, so I was stuck in my white performance shirt (untucked, no bow-tie), black slacks and socks, and felt rather uncomfortable and unlike myself. I put a sweatshirt on over this ensemble, but it quickly became too hot for that and my performance shirt, so by the end I was a sweaty mess holding a few shirts in a dashing v-neck white undershirt. As I'm in that haze of the moment, after a song I look over and hear "Hi Will" and see her. I am speechless. She says her name. I say "I know" and then she explains that she moved to this town. We talked after the show and I met her boyfriend. Older than her, quiet but confident looking guy, but in typical clothing for this kind of affair. We got each others' contact numbers and left.
It was what happened after that moment that really set this woman apart from all other students I've had. She made a point to actually use that number and talk to me and invite me to any event she thought I'd be interested in. We met and had coffee several times and talked about life in a very serious and deep way, but also joked around. She came back to the school for a couple days, and spent almost the entire time with me and sat in on nearly all of my class. She had grown up, and she demonstrated with her actions a new dedication to her life and a seriousness about making the most of it. She was working, she had a nice apartment, she was organized, she had plans for herself.
On those several days at the campus, my student turned from being my student to one of my closest friends. It was easy and ancient like when you see an old friend after a long time and feel like you haven't skipped a beat. And she challenged me, she wouldn't take my bullshit answers to questions about things that were difficult, she pressed me which is something that so many people find difficult to do. She challenged me, but she was graceful and non-judgemental and the care in her demeanor proved it was from a place of caring.
Not so long after this, the difficulties I had with my girlfriend finally led to us breaking up after living together for three years and spending the significant portion of the two years prior seeing a lot of each other on weekends and extended breaks in school or work. It was traumatizing, but again this former student was the first to offer her support. She invited me over to dinner. We hung out for a whole evening with another wonderful former student and watched a movie and hung out with her boyfriend and his group of friends. At the end of the night, we had a deep serious talk at her little dining room table while everyone else watched the end of a favorite horror movie. It was one of those talks that stay with you, that are unforgettable like an anchor in your life. I was lifted out of the depression of ending a relationship and getting stuck with a house that I didn't want and could barely afford to keep on my own, while my ex-girlfriend skipped away with no responsibility and over half of my savings as a parting gift. I realized that night that I was loved and had a community stronger than my pain. I realized I had a friend that was eternal, that I could see hanging out with like any old friend - at any point in my life when the time allowed for it. Who cares about the house - this is the stuff that matters.
We talked a few more times on the phone, and made plans to hang out again on a phone call that took place in the first week of December to meet the next week or two. She didn't make it to the next week or two. She died in a horrible wreck with her boyfriend on the way back home late at night.
There hasn't been a week since then that I haven't thought of her. I've kept her card from her service close at hand and see it every morning when I start my day. Without really having dealt with a death like this before, it was really difficult for me. As the last year moved on, I realized that I hadn't really lost her... that what she'd given me would last forever. I miss her quite a bit, and writing this now brings tears to my eyes, but she showed me a true deep friendship and the value that my teaching could have. I am changed forever.
Thank you for everything. I continue to love you and promise that the lessons from our friendship will make my life better as a tribute to you and what you've done for me. I hope to model the compassion and love that you've modelled for me. I give my endless gratitude for having been blessed to know you.
posted by Will at 12:09 AM
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